Whirled News #1
Installment #1: Making a Career Choice? Go Where The Action Is!
by Mark McLaughlin
The other day, a friend is his late twenties was wondering if he’d made the right career choice. He’s a graphic designer, and while he enjoys his work, it ain’t exactly what you’d call a bucket of thrills. So he asked me, what might be a hot career move for him?
His question echoes the sentiments of millions of Americans nationwide. Folks everywhere are bored with their jobs. It used to be, Americans felt lucky to even be employed, and would stay in a mind-numbing, dead-end career for decades. They would push brooms and sling hash and twist little screws into the backs of VCRs, just to get that almighty paycheck. They’d then use that paycheck to buy nice clothes and cars, to attract potential sexual partners. They would also use some of that money to buy drinks and get those potential sexual partners drunk, in case nice clothes and cars weren’t enough to get the job done. After all, potential sexual partners become 13.7 percent more attractive with every drink.
Obviously, the biggest reason for holding down any job is to get more sex.
That, of course, is why I write horror fiction. It’s a documented fact that horror writers are lucky No. 7 on the list of professionals who get the most sex. Let’s review the list (my thanks to JOHNSON: the Journal of Outstanding Horniness and Newsworthy Sluttishness in Occupations Nationwide, for allowing me to reprint the list, originally published in their ‘Who’s-Gettin’-Some?’ Summer 2006 issue):
- Adult Film Industry Performers
- Spiritual Guidance Industry Performers
- Prostitutes
- Sex-Product Testing Engineers
- Rock Stars
- Professional Sperm Donors
- Horror Authors
- Bartenders
- Hospitality Industry Members (including Waiters, Waitresses, Hotel Maids, Airline Stewards and Stewardesses)
- Automobile Salespersons
Clearly, these are the up-and-cumming jobs of the future, so my friend the graphic designer had better think long and hard about a career change. If he’s looking for a bucket of thrills, those are the positions that will fill that bucket to the steaming brim.
No. 1, Adult Film Industry Performers, is certainly no surprise. I looked up the bio of a random porn star online, just to get a handle on how much sex he’s getting. And speaking of handles, this 22-year-old gentleman has one that’s seven-and-a-half inches long. He’s has been in the business one year and has made 167 films so far. If you consider that on-average, during production, he has to churn up four pop-shots while on-camera and six during rehearsals, that would mean 10 per movie, adding up to 1,670 carnal acts in his first year alone.
Also, we can’t forget promotional appearances and auditions. Let’s be conservative and say his tallywhacker tallies up four per movie. So add on another 668, for a whopping 2,338. Divide that by 365 and you’ll see that our lucky lad averages 6.4 climaxes a day. Some folks don’t do that well all year! And remember, that’s not even counting whatever action he’s getting in his personal life.
Most folks used to think that individuals in the No. 2 category, Spiritual Guidance Industry Performers, didn’t get any action at all. But recent headlines have proven otherwise. You can’t open a newspaper these days without reading about the escapades of some religious shepherd gettin’ busy with members of the flock. Former choirboys nationwide are singing a new song: a little number called the “He Touched Me in a Bad Place” Blues. And it doesn’t stop there. I read an interesting article about an evangelist who had spent years preaching against same-sex fun and drug use. The article concerned recent allegations that he was, in fact, heavily involved with (surprise, surprise!), and paying top-dollar for, same-sex fun and drug use. If the allegations are true, why would he have preached against all that? I suppose he didn’t want other people playing with his expensive toys. More for him that way!
Most of careers from No. 3 through 6 are pretty self-explanatory. Prostitutes and Sex-Product Testing Engineers: yeah, they’ve got to make a living. Rock Stars: they’ve got a reputation to live up to. Professional Sperm Donors: Most people don’t even realize this occupation even exists, since there are so many amateurs in the field. But yes, there are some guys out there who are so smart, so handsome, and so well-built that their baby-batter is worth its weight in liquid gold. Unlike the folks in the other occupations, these guys usually end up pouring their payload into plastic cups. Still, nice work if you can get it.
As for No. 7: yes, folks line up for blocks for some of that sweet, sweet Horror Author lovin’. But the less said about that, the better. My colleagues would get upset if I gave away too many trade secrets.
Bartenders: When you’re slinging the booze, you can pick and choose. To see the truth in that, one only has to watch any rerun of the old TV show “Cheers.” They marketed it as a sitcom, but I sometimes wonder if that wasn’t the first reality-TV show. Alcohol also plays a part in career line No. 9, Hospitality Industry Members. They’re often serving the frisky refreshments, and hey, we all need a little hospitality from time to time.
No. 10, Automobile Salespersons, may seem surprising to some, but I’ve always suspected it, based on anecdotal evidence. Plenty of test-drives end up at nearby hot-tub motels. And since most American cars don’t have much steel in them, many male salespersons have to use pink steel to close the deal.
So there you have it, sports fans: the heavy-hitters in the world’s oldest and most popular game. If you’re looking for a career change to spice up your humdrum workday, those are your top options (or bottom options, depending on whether you’re pitching or receiving). But remember, no matter what career and/or coworker you get into, always remember: play safe, say “No!” to drugs, eat right, get plenty of sleep, and take your vitamins.
You’ll need all the energy you can get.
Comment by macker on 3 January 2007:
thanks for sharing mark, i was making notes as i read, very interesting….
i suppose editors just missed out at number 11? unlucky shane.
Comment by kresby on 3 January 2007:
I don’t see teachers on this list. boo hoo
Oh well - I knew most writers didn’t make much moola so this is something at least.
Comment by SLIM on 3 January 2007:
I always thought mattress testers would do ok. Yes the super young ones just jump up and down and the super old just roll off to see how many bones might break, but the in between should do well I would think. Of course maybe its not even a real job, but if someones testing sex toys (which my wife has that job) wouldn’t someone do the mattress thing?
P.s. My wife so busy she always sayes she has to pencil me in. I’m not sure how to take that?
Comment by macker on 3 January 2007:
slim…
if she was pencilling your friends in before you, then i’d take it bad.. otherwise, its just normal female stuff.
i’m already down for one day in april, the 1st i think, i hope she remembers..
with my missus i mean mate
Comment by Shane Staley on 4 January 2007:
I’m just concerned about the ‘pencil’ part. If your wife is referring to a pencil, this is serious stuff, man!
Comment by SLIM on 4 January 2007:
My point exactly!
Comment by macker on 4 January 2007:
is that why they call you slim???
Comment by SLIM on 4 January 2007:
Great, thanks, I feel so much better now that I know why my wife calls me Slim and the whole pencil thing. My life is now complete. I must me number 120,982 on the list above, not much sex for a pencil pusher named Slim.
I’m glad my shrink’s on speed dial. (don’t say it) (you talk to your penis too?)