[PC] Nightcrap
You’ve all read stories that didn’t amount to crap. Well, this one might.
It’s happened a few times throughout my life. I awake in the middle of the night to pressure in my gut. My entire body is just waking from some deep state of peace that only sleep can bring.
But my guts are wild, churning; there is a party going on in my bowels.
It’s one of the worst feelings a person can have: that first step out of a nice, warm bed, body sluggish and wanting to return to slumber, but feet shuffling across the cold floor to meet the colder porcelain stool.
Last night it happened again. And I got to thinking about this strange event. I’m sitting on the crapper, with my hands pressed against my gut; it sounds like hell’s minions are mumbling from somewhere below. There’s hissing and shrieking and I swear the clock is ticking backwards.
I feel like I’m drunk or stoned, my head spinning, quite possibly due to my gut.
Or could it be something far more sinister than just a late night crap?
I stare at the clock. The ticking has stopped. The battery might be dead. Might not.
And then it hits me: the cold air. It brings back uneasy memories of The Exorcist. Demonic possession. How each time there’s evil present, the temperature suddenly drops.
I breathe, exhale, looking for my breath to fog.
No fog, no ghost, no evil around me; only the demon inside my gut. My bowels are possessed by some unnatural force. The sputtering becomes words: squeaky demonic voices trying to tell me something. I strain not for release, but to listen to the words that are forming from the air pockets bubbling from my anus.
Most of it was too garbled to understand, but I did catch one sentence.
“Jesus is coming!”
I’m not sure what to make of that. It might be a prophecy. Could be a warning.
Probably both, because when I wiped, it looked an awful lot like a crucifix.
Just wanted to let you guys know. Just in case it amounts to be more than just crap.
In case this happens again, I’ve placed a digital recorder by my bedside. I will record, playback and analyze the strange murmurs from hell.
At the very least, it’ll make for an interesting podcast.
Comment by diego on 3 February 2007:
But the podcase is going to sound like that message from (god?) you had on the shoutbox in Dec 06. Ten different analysts had to restructure it, rerecord it, play it backwards, and then send it to the FBI lab for analysis, only to find out it was a 99 cent sale from taco bell.
Comment by kresby on 3 February 2007:
just plain disgusting. And demented. And disturbing my sleep..
Comment by macker on 3 February 2007:
that……is very interesting, and thanks for sharing that shane. i always had the idea that something intelligible was coming outta my ass when all others around me thought it was hideous gaseous.these people need to be converted.
Comment by Scott Berke on 3 February 2007:
You could probably get a bundle on Ebay for the TP.
Comment by jpokela on 3 February 2007:
It would suck to do through all that for 2000 year old news!!!
Won’t it be great if the Christian ethos is correct. You get up to heaven and God sez ” Thanks for fulfilling my 6000 year old expectations you worthless dicklicking suckass. Now go play lawn bowling for the rest of eternity and get out of my sight!! I’ve got real problems here and more yesmen arn’t helping.”
Comment by Shane Staley on 3 February 2007:
Diego: Taco Bell is usually what causes these possessions.
Macker: No problem. I like to share deep philosophical issues with you guys. No one else seems to be able to comprehend.
Scott: The limited edition hardcover will be issued with TP splatter art. It’ll be shredded, in the shape of an oval bookmark.
jpokela: Lawn bowling! Really? Damn, I need to change my ways. Don’t want to miss out on that. I LOVE lawn bowling! Thanks for changing my life. I have found the light. Stay tuned for the next PC installment which will be clean and wholesome!
Comment by dezm on 3 February 2007:
That was great. Pretty funny. Although I’ve awoke quite a few times in the middle of the night feeling just like that. Not fun. You captured it brilliantly! Except, instead of listening to the preachings coming outta my bung, I’m too busy playing Pocket Yahtzee. Which we like to call Poop Yahtzee in my household. I currently hold the high score of 625 for those that care.
Praise Jesus.
And you need to continue with this story. I like it.
TP splatter art. LOL.
Comment by dezm on 3 February 2007:
Oh yeah, thats the best title I’ve seen in a long time.
Comment by Shane Staley on 3 February 2007:
Mark: Thanks a lot, man. I actually just pulled that story out of my ass at about 11PM last night, although I’ve been thinking about writing something like that since last Thursday’s nightcrap.
As with all my stories, the foundation is based on true events. I hate nightcraps.
Comment by earthtotim on 12 February 2007:
The Nightcraps hit me a couple times a year and as I hold my midsection and listen to my audio stomach grumblings I talk to the bowl and beg for mercy. Usually involves some sort of promise to stay away from the breaded french fries or multi bowls of greasy chips and salsa. I keep my promises for a day or two.
Tim
Comment by Shane Staley on 13 February 2007:
Tim: Just don’t drink a glass of milk right after eating salsa and chips. Weird dreams and nightcraps!
Comment by earthtotim on 13 February 2007:
I promise Shane.