[PC] You Should Be Put To Death
If you agree with Larry King and the news media and all the masses of people who have stated that the death of Anna Nicole Smith was a tragedy, then you should be put to death. You should be flogged and skewered, beaten and choked, knifed and shot, and dragged around the United States by caravan with a big sign on the vehicle that states “DUMBASS.”
Let’s look at the word tragedy. I’m going to whip out my trusty dic. and spew forth the following:
tragedy |ˈtrajidē| noun ( pl. -dies) 1 an event causing great suffering, destruction, and distress, such as a serious accident, crime, or natural catastrophe : a tragedy that killed 95 people | his life had been plagued by tragedy.
Anna Nicole Smith dying in a hotel room from her own stupidity is NOT a tragedy.
But yet you have the following links all claiming this was a tragedy:
- http://www.foxnews.com/photoessay/0,4644,1432,00.html
- http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=2863970&page=1&CMP=OTC-RSSFeeds0312
- http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17192396/
I just referenced the above 3 because 3 is my lucky number. I could have listed hundreds if not thousands of stupid quotes and news articles of this great “tragedy.”
And as I’ve come across every one (it’s hard to escape this crap on TV), one thing bothers me the most. That in these moments, although I love my country, I’m ashamed to be an American.
A dumb blonde who has no talent becomes a celebrity, fucks and marries a walking corpse, stands to inherit millions, lives in the lap of luxury and then dies because she’s an idiot and deserved to die long ago.
Harsh and cruel? No, not at all. You know why?
Because the definition of tragedy isn’t the above.
If every death is, in fact, a tragedy, then the word tragedy should mean something totally different.
So to all Americans, let me write a revised history bit about how Anna Nicole Smith dying would really be a tragedy…
On February 8, 2007, Anna Nicole Smith is photographed in Iraq. She is kissing a small Iraqi boy who was recently caught in a firefight between insurgents and the U.S. Army. This poor, frail boy had taken 27 shots throughout his three and half feet tall body and lived. A miracle.
As Anna leaned over this smiling boy, CNN was there to film it. Her trademark poses were exchanged as she kissed the small boy’s head.
Then a flash. An explosion. Chaos.
Hours later, the reports came in. Anna’s tits had exploded, killing everyone in the room.
Yes, apparently terrorists had lured Anna off the plane once in Iraq, coaxing her to receive a free boob job, because they can never be too large, round or perfect.
How can a once poor, white trash girl object to something free, even if the doctors were named Achmed and Iranian Pete? But the dumb blonde fell for it, didn’t she? Those sneaky bastards placed an IED (Improvised Explosive Device) in both breasts, then remotely detonated them.
The Iraqi miracle child’s head was blown clean-off this time, but somehow he still survived for an hour until the doctors sewing his head back on accidentally gave him the wrong blood type during a tranfusion. Anna died, of course, because she had to or my story wouldn’t be a fucking tragedy, now would it?
A normal human being would see the tragedy: the loss of such a precious life at such an early age: the Iraqi child. Growing up impoverished and destitute, stuck in a war he knew nothing about, bridging a new world between two different societies that are crashing into one another with no hope in sight.
But in America we take our lives for granted. The news reports would surface about the heroic CNN camera man catching the last moments of Anna Nicole Smith’s life on tape before both of them were snuffed out forever. Then the same footage of Smith’s tragic end would be replayed, followed by a court case about whether her nipples should be re-attached before burial or not.
There would also be a footnote about the Iraqi child which would quickly be forgotten.
And while all this plays out in the national news media and in Hollywood gossip TV shows, we’d be glued to our sets with our McDonalds’ french fries and our soft drinks, with our heaters on and our fuzzy fucking PJs and slippers, saying, “Oh, that’s too damn bad about Anna. This is a great tragedy!”
If there is a God, please let Him or Her forgive us all. We’re obviously the dumbest creatures that ever walked Your once green earth.
And for us Americans, we’re bound for Hell, plain and simple. We can live our lives oblivious to how lucky we really are. We bitch and moan about the weather, the price of gas to operate our $30,000 vehicles, and our nation grieves and goes into shock because a rich celebrity passes away, as if her death is any different than that unknown Iraqi child, or a common child succumbing to death.
Death is a part of life. There is no tragedy in death. But in the method in which life is wasted.
The real tragedy is that we existed in the first place.
And how we fucked this world up beyond repair.
Comment by Shane Staley on 4 March 2007:
It’s a sensitive issue and many might ask how can you love and hate your country. It’s possible.
Comment by jt on 4 March 2007:
amen to that Shane.
Comment by Scott Berke on 4 March 2007:
Preachin’ to the choir.
Comment by macker on 4 March 2007:
can’t comment really can i?
i love my country, would fight for it, but its sure got its huge % of dumbasses.
but i have noticed as a nation, alot of you love your courtroom dramas, when that judge started grying it was cringe worthy.. eeuggh!
Comment by macker on 4 March 2007:
**crying
Comment by leftoverjoe on 4 March 2007:
You know, tragedy is definitely too strong a word…especially considering deaths like your example above. I would say that her death is sad though. Sad because people’s stupidity, greed, and love of the spotlight, can ruin a life.
It’s also sad that this was considered so newsworthy. We’ve got a fucking war going on, corruption in our government, storms that have killed over 30 people, etc., etc., and those things don’t get half the coverage of missing girls in Aruba, or ex-Playboy bunnies who just happened to have sad, empty lives, then die.
If I think about this too much it makes my head hurt…no wonder people across the world look at us and think we’re absolute dolts with no real substance.
Comment by Shane Staley on 4 March 2007:
Exactly. We have airheads in this country wondering why others around the world hate us so much. If you stop and think about, their hatred can be understood and somewhat justified.
Comment by kresby on 4 March 2007:
scary but true.
Comment by Tree705 on 4 March 2007:
That was great, 100% true. I am so tired of everything in the news being blown way out of proportion. I was at work when I heard she died and my response didn’t go over well. I said “I bet OJ killed her.”
Comment by ruderabbit on 4 March 2007:
Tree may be right….I’ll bet it was concentrated instead of fresh squeezed. It’s almost always the citrus, but every once in awhile its sour grapes.
Comment by earthtotim on 5 March 2007:
Anyone made famous by posing for Playboy is not worth my time. Everything is Glam in the American media. Sad.
Tim
Comment by Scott Berke on 5 March 2007:
Tree705 said: “I bet OJ killed her.”
You made coffee come out my nose.