Whirled News #5
Horror author and social commentator Mark McLaughlin attacks today’s most burning issues, and occasionally some future issues, whenever his psychic powers kick in and/or he’s had a couple gin-and-tonics. Mr. McLaughlin and the officials at Delirium Books do not accept responsibility for any negative outcomes that might arise (such as bankruptcy, dismemberment or death) when and if you use the information in this column to make decisions in your own life. But, if you use this information to make an ass-load of money, you’d better share the wealth, or else winged iguanas will tear off your genitals in the night.
Miss Nevada, You Totally ROCK!
by Mark McLaughlin
Okay, I admit it…and surely, some of you have probably figured it out by now. Heck, maybe I’ve even mentioned it before. I’m not ashamed! Every now and then, I buy the National Enquirer—especially if they’ve just released what I call a BCPS issue.
Those initials stand for Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery, but they also stand for Before Christ (when most of the stars requiring face-lifts were born), and Post Script, the P.S. you’ll find at the end of a message, such as this example: “P.S. Meg Ryan, those huge puffed-up lips of yours would look better around one of the tire rims of my Cadillac than on your face.”
Sadly, The Enquirer’s latest BCPS issue failed to dig up anything especially surprising. They revealed that Britney’s boobs have been enhanced. Who didn’t know that? They also discussed the fact that Katie Couric has probably had some work done. Yeah, either that or she had her face laminated. Also, it would seem that Marie Osmond has had a brow lift. Really? I just thought her eyebrows had shot up a whole inch on her face because she’d sat on a pine cone.
But wait a minute! What’s this? On another page, we find some news truly worthy of being featured in The Enquirer, and it has nothing to do with plastic surgery. It’s all about the latest exploits of a dethroned Miss Nevada—I guess she’d lost her title last December, but hey, it’s news to me. I must have missed that issue of America’s premiere gossip rag when the story broke.
Apparently, the former Miss Nevada recently had to be rushed to the hospital when friends thought she’d overdosed on drugs. Instead, it turns out she’d just had way too much to drink. The article then went on to tell why she’d been booted from her coveted position as Miss Nevada last year. Three years before she’d received her crown, she’d been photographed having nasty (but still fully clothed) drunken fun at some trendy night-spots with both men and women.
Is that all?!
I kinda feel sorry for the gal. It hardly seems fair that they should take away her title for something she did three years before being crowned. All she did was swap a little spit in public with some horny guys and gals. Big deal! Geez, it’s not like she roasted a baby and then fed it to a nun. It’s not like she dug up Elvis, ground up his remains and then snorted them up before taking a dump on the Shroud of Turin. It’s not like she had sex with a goat, gave birth to the Anti-Christ, had sex with her demonic infant son, and then gave birth to her own grandson, a three-legged hunchback with the head of a praying mantis sporting a goofy little Hitler moustache.
Okay, I realize that last statement was a bit exaggerated. I mean, everyone knows insects can’t grow facial hair.
But frankly, Miss Nevada—I think you rock. The fact that you’re a funky super-freak makes you even more deserving of the title of Beauty Queen. I saw a picture of you being nasty, and you’re even lovely WHILE you’re being nasty—and if that’s not the very definition of grace (a quality one looks for in beauty queens), I don’t know what is. In fact, I bet if you put your mind to it, you could actually give birth to an insect with facial hair. Okay, maybe not a praying mantis with a Hitler moustache, but certainly a big, wacky grasshopper with sideburns.
Maybe it’s time for all those beauty contests out there to get with the program. To Hell with outdated pageant competitions like the Swimsuit Competition and that totally boring snore-fest, the Talent Contest. “Let’s watch Miss Maryland play the fiddle!” “Oh look, Miss Wisconsin is going to yodel!” Big deal! Instead, let’s take it to the max, pump up the jam, get jiggy with it, and rock the hizz-ouse with a high-falutin’ bunch of new-fangled bootilicious uber-competitions, including but not limited to:
The Evening Clown Competition: Contestants dress like sexy clown-hookers. Oooooh yeeaaaahhh.
The Shrimping Competition: Who can suck the most toes for the longest amount of time?
The Squat and Lift Competition: Which contestant can pick up the biggest object by clenching her butt-cheeks around it?
The Ping-Pong Ball Firing Range Competition: Punk-rocker Wendy O. Williams used to do this as part of her live act! Which contestant can fire a ping-pong ball the farthest from her cervical cannon?
The Rusty Trombone Competition: If you don’t know what a Rusty Trombone is, I’m not gonna tell ya! But I’ll say this: it’s not the sort of instrument you’ll find at your average band camp…
I could go on…and on and on and on…but I think you get the idea. Why do beauty queens have to be paragons of virtue? Why can’t they be fun-loving, raunchy, grade-A party monsters? Princesses of perversity! Voluptuous vixens of vice! After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder—and this beholder sees beauty in outrageousness, in decadence, in over-the-top, high-profile depravity.
All hail ex-Miss Nevada! You’ll always be a beauty queen to me!
Comment by Scott Berke on 20 May 2007:
I would start watching the pageant if Mark was in charge. :0
Comment by jpokela on 21 May 2007:
Regular beauty contests have virtually no one watching them. This is a tragedy. Our glorious glammed-up fresh dolls do not have a media outlet ready and willing to pimp the crap out of them to the fullest extent possible.
Why do we as full-blooded(non-vampire victims) fun-loving(non-goth) Americans(usually non-native of course) put up with Uber-Prudes running our national fertility fest? This has got to stop!!!
I nominate Mark to run the new great program called “LET’S WHORE OUT YOUR DAUGHTER” TM. It surely will succeed. No problem finding willing contestants. Time to get on a national trend and CAPITALIZE!!!!!!!
Comment by SLIM on 21 May 2007:
I hold my personal pageants at the Strip Joint in the back room. I get all that and then some. But to see it on the tube would be worth watching. The drinks would be cheaper!