Whirled News #6

Horror author and social commentator Mark McLaughlin attacks today’s most burning issues, and occasionally some future issues, whenever his psychic powers kick in and/or he’s had a couple gin-and-tonics. Mr. McLaughlin and the officials at Delirium Books do not accept responsibility for any negative outcomes that might arise (such as bankruptcy, dismemberment or death) when and if you use the information in this column to make decisions in your own life. But, if you use this information to make an ass-load of money, you’d better share the wealth, or else winged iguanas will tear off your genitals in the night.

Celebrity Backlash
Or: Eat a Pork Chop Already, Nicole!
by Mark McLaughlin

Listen! Stick your ear outside your front door…can you hear it? Very recently, the winds of change have started to blow, and they’re carrying a lot of strange whispers from coast to coast.

“Britney is crazy!” “Paris is a drunken jailbird!” “Nicole is a spoiled, anorexic Chihuahua!”

The whisperers are using different words, but they’re all saying the same thing….

Celebrities suck!

The Hollywood star system is dying, and people are turning against celebrities in a big way. Let’s look closely at some of the indicators:

1. Pop princess Britney Spears became a national laughing stock after numerous public freak-outs. She responded by shaving her head and entering rehab.

2. People delighted in the well-publicized humiliation of socialite Paris Hilton, who had to spend some time behind bars for her misbehavin’ ways. Afterward, Paris revealed that she’d found religion in jail (which was pretty amazing, since her cell was so small).

3. Social butterfly—or most accurately, stick insect—Nicole Richie, who also has a history of outlandish diva behavior and subsequent public disapproval, has announced she is pregnant. The former party-girl is now going to get her life together and become a mom.

4. Reality shows, starring earnest everyday folks, have been rapidly replacing sitcoms, which usually star overpaid, self-important actors and actresses.

As far as reliable indicators go, those four are right up there with “red sky at morning, sailors take warning” and “three sixes on a baby’s forehead ain’t a good thing.”

Personally, I’m not sure whether I applaud or deplore the fact that America is rapidly becoming more and more disenchanted with celebrities. On one hand, I like the glamor and carefree sexiness of celebrities. On the other hand, I hate that they have more money than me, are more famous than me, get more sex than me, and eat in better restaurants than me.

In other words, I’m jealous.

Maybe that’s why celebs are sinking. Maybe all of America is jealous. That could be why reality shows are gaining in popularity. They give everyday folks a chance to become stars (so we can hate them when they reach the top!).

With that in mind, it is crystal-clear why the producers of reality shows pick quasi-celebrities to be the judges. They wouldn’t want the judges—who are regulars on the shows—to be celebrities of whom anyone would be jealous! Take, for example, the reality program, “America’s Got Talent.” Basically, it’s one big amateur night, and three quasi-celebs pick which contestants are the best. Let’s take a look at the judges, shall we?

The most famous judge is former “Baywatch” hero, “really popular in Germany” pop-star, and internet booze-hound David Has-been-hoff—I mean, Hasselhoff. Let’s face it: the man has seen better days. If you resembled him, you would not want to be told, “You look like David Hasselhoff!” You would want to be told, “You look like a YOUNG David Hasselhoff!” He spent a lot of time in the sun during his “Baywatch” years, which may be why his skin now looks like the Corinthian leather one finds stretched across the seats of European luxury cars.

Of course, by now everyone has watched that internet video of a drunken Hasselhoff eating a huge, sloppy sandwich. I’m not quite sure how that footage came into existence—I think it had something to do with Hasselhoff’s daughter trying to initiate an intervention or something. I could research the matter, but—I really don’t care! All that matters is this: millions have seen David Hasselhoff lolling around stinking-drunk, and it’s not a pretty sight. Who can be jealous of that?

The next judge is Ozzy Osbourne’s wife. Yeah, I know she has a first name (I believe it’s Sharon), but her only real claim-to-fame is being Ozzy Osbourne’s wife. Has she done anything else? Every night when she gets into bed, she kisses a guy who used to bite the heads off of bats. Again: who can be jealous of that?

The final judge is some snitty prick with an accent who acts just like pompous Simon from “American Idol”—except this new prick is older, heavier, and generally less attractive than Simon (who’s no Brad Pitt). Once again: who can be jealous of that?

Since Americans now hate glamorous, attractive celebrities, it makes sense that they would enjoy “America’s Got Talent.” The show has BLOCKBUSTER written all over it. Look, everyday Americans are showing the world that they’ve got what it takes! Look, the judges are pathetic lame-brains! I will admit, though—Sharon Osbourne comes across as very friendly and charming. Old bat-breath Ozzy is lucky he hooked up with her.

You know who I blame for the de-glamorization of America’s star system? Those six neurotic schmucks from “Friends”! I believe America was outraged when it came to light that they were earning millions per episode, and that outrage has been growing and combining with other celebrity outrages (like the recent exploits of Britney, Paris, and Nicole). See what ya did, gang from “Friends”? You screwed everything up for all the other celebrities! Some of you are kind of cute, but none of you are worth millions! I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t even pay a buffalo-head nickel to see David Schwimmer perform anything—unless it was hari-kari. He might very well have a talent for ritualistic self-disembowelment. Let’s find out!

As for that guy who played Chandler—he’s pretentious and whiny, with a face that looks like a doll-head carved out of a dried-up apple. How did he ever get on TV? I can only assume his knees were really sore after he was finished with auditions. I might pay a bright copper penny to watch him get ground up into cat-food—but I’d pity the kitties who had to eat it.

But really, who made “Friends” into mega-stars? We did—the American people. We put them up on their pedestals and worshiped them for a bit—certainly for much longer than they deserved. Then we realized we were worshiping schmucks, and we became resentful and even hateful toward subsequent celebrity deities. Bad Britney! Naughty Paris! Anorexic Nicole! As a response to that resentment, those dirty girls have taken steps to straighten out their acts. At least they’re giving the people what they want.

Yes, the winds of change are blowing. Right now we’re putting everyday people on star-pedestals—and eventually, they’ll get too famous and/or we’ll get tired of them. Then, who or what will the winds blow into town next…? I think I know!

I predict the evil gods of Lovecraft’s Cthulhu Mythos will finally wake up and it will be their turn to occupy the pedestals of fame. Americans will go absolutely crazy over the new trans-reality TV show, “R’lyehian Idol,” with celebrity judges Cthulhu, Dagon, and the new Simon, Nyarlathotep.

“Were you trying to sing,” Nyarlathotep will snidely purr to some hapless contestant, “or were you chanting a liturgy in praise of Glugg-Puggog, the Lemurian god of crap?”

Will my prediction come true?

Stay tuned!